I did it and I can't undo it. There's no way to go back in time and fix what's been broken (at least not that I know about).
I really thought I could keep my New Year resolution this year. Post one blog post per month. Doesn't seem that hard in the grand scheme of things, does it?
But then... life happened. April was a crazy month - 16 gigs kind of crazy. And May was no better. All of sudden, it was middle of June and I was feeling like I'd gotten nothing done. Before I knew it, my new year resolution was finished just three months in. Insert sad face.
If you follow on Facebook; if we're "friends" on there then you know I've been pretty sick. I was feeling super proud of me - I pushed through and didn't miss work. I played my gigs. There's a certain type of pride that you feel when you've conquered illness, am I right? Maybe it's just me. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist (a lot a bit, actually). I don't turn down gigs often, and usually it's because I'm already booked. I don't take no for an answer. My band boys, much as they love me, even call me "DeManda" because... well... I'm a little demanding as a band leader.
Totally not a surprise that I woke up one morning after pushing through and "conquering" illness to find that I was actually scared of how sick I was. Needless to say, I spent four hours in urgent care that day. I still made it to my gig that night on time.
However, I sat down this morning at my computer and was beyond upset that I had forgotten to post a blog post for the past two months. Beyond. Super upset. You have no idea. I hadn't completed something I'd set out to complete. I had failed.
I write this now because I spent the day worried and upset and afraid over a stupid blog until finally my brain said, "Dude! Nobody cares if you didn't post a blog for two months." I had set an expectation for myself that I wouldn't have set for someone else, and that someone else wouldn't have set for me. Critical of myself to a fault, as my mom would say.
I learn lessons every day. It's not abnormal to get sick. It's not wrong to cut yourself some slack. And it's not failure to not write a damn blog. :)